That was the worst part and the primary reason for my deletion of it: It brought my awareness to the most negative aspects of dating. I found myself feeling at the same time frustrated and liberated with the overwhelming basicness of the majority of the profiles I’d swipe through. So many people trying desperately to standout by being the exact same. It was all the things I hated most about high school deep-fried in a digital gallery of judgement, trick angles and Instagram filters. I felt like Lindsay Lohan in the second act of Mean Girls - not being able to stop myself from becoming a person I didn’t really like even if only for short bursts while swiping in the elevator. Deciding if I wanted to talk to people based on a handful of words and photos, no matter how casual and playful it’s all meant to be, started draining my soul.
It’s not to say I don’t find a lot of the world’s disdain for originality and intelligence frustrating… It’s just that engaging in activity that brings your focus to it is not an emotionally healthy way to be. Yeah a lot of the world sucks. But if you just sit around thinking about it all day, your day will suck and then you’ll just end up a sucky person and then your life will suck and then you’ll contribute to the ocean of suckiness.
A couple of months ago I started writing down some of my funniest/cattiest thoughts. We all have catty thoughts. They come from a place of insecurity. I felt frustrated with the minefield that is online dating and got the uncontrollable urge to self-medicate in an arguably unhealthy way by memorializing my brain’s bitchfests in my iPhone notepad. #artistproblems
Today, in an effort to purge the Tinder demons, I’m sharing my cattiest thoughts while swiping through Tinder. Whenever I felt like I’d seen the same statement on 25 different profiles, I’d make a note of it. If the thought is on the list below, it’s because it showed up over and over and over…
Take it in, kids. It’s a side of me you’ll likely rarely see. ;)
***
>> Reading these profiles must feel like you’re being stabbed in your soul if you’re an actual writer.
>> “I’m really laid back and super ambitious.” So you’re bipolar?
>> “I’m a very free spirit.” You’re an HR tech for Sempra Energy. No you’re not a free spirit.
>> “I work hard and play hard!” Nope. No you don’t.
>> “Sunday Funday” does not consist of casually strolling up Cowles Mountain then grabbing a Jamba Juice.
>> Agh. Please not another photo of you jumping, in front of Machu Pichu, clinging Martini glasses with your girlfriends, doing a yoga pose in front of a temple (in Thailand), playing with tigers (in Thailand), doing a hero stance atop Potato Chip Rock or doing the sorority girl pose at Fluxx.
>> Can we all just agree that EVERYONE loves dogs, wine and travel? Does that really need to be clarified and be the meat of EVERY profile?
>> Yeah yeah yeah… You’re “not here for hookups.” We get it. You’re a girl. Duh. You are, however, showing your cards too soon by advertising that right on the profile because all you’re doing is conditioning the dudes to just cover up their intentions till they get you on the date.
>> Profiles that include the phrase “music feeds my soul” get nexted without review.
>> You like beards and you like tattoos and feel the need to note that as if you’re shopping for goods at a department store. That’s great. I’m sure you are a very unique individual and will be able to provide very informed insights on world matters.
>> How the flippin hell is The Alchemist like EVERYone’s favorite book??
>> If I see the phrase “laid back and easy going” one more time…
>> What’s up with car selfies?
>> You being “new to this” or your friends having “made” you create a profile doesn’t make you cooler.
>> Everyone’s Friday nights are either “out with friends or Netflix.”
>> Boy, there sure are a lot of girls who are “writers” in San Diego. Carrie Bradshaw Effect?
>> “If you’re under 5'5 don’t even think about it.” Jesus. When did society decide it’s totally acceptable for women to be so incredibly damn mean about mens’ height?? (Editor’s note: I’m 6′5)
>> Wedding photos, wedding photos, car selfies, wedding photos, bathroom selfies, wedding photos…
***
In the end, however, I knew that the reason I was being catty was because anytime I really really wanted a match and it didn’t happen, that little wounded child deep inside of me felt rejected - yet again - by society, by my culture, by my peers… Reinforcing that supposedly long-past teenage me’s fat-kid complex.
I was looking for a way to reject the girls before they could reject me. When our thoughts come from the darker parts of our psyche, it’s not to say the thoughts are blatant lies, but engaging in said low vibration thoughts is a destructive decision. It’s like eating a McDonald’s cheeseburger; it’s still food - it’s just shit food.
Do too many people have the same profiles? Yes. But who cares. They’re just other humans humaning in the best way they can human and if the football game they’ve chosen to play is not fulfilling to me, I can just go across the street and play soccer.
If you enjoy Tindering, rock on! Please! Go meet new people and make new connections utilizing whatever tools are at your disposal! I met one of my best friends on Tinder so, all things considered, my time with the app has been a wild success! Tinder for me, however, was like smoking. Even though I was doing it very sporadically, the cumulative effect of smoking over the course of many years finally caught up to me while I was trying to increase my running time. I felt the same about swiping so many lefts while trying to stay the course on my journey to enlightenment.
But I will leave with this one last thought for all the girls who write “not here to hookup” on their profiles: You do realize Tinder was created by the folks who made Grindr and its entire purpose was to be a hookup app, right? :p
Tinder on.
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